2005-05-07 - 9:01 p.m.

Yeah....

Quote of the day:

"...you're really going to be comfortable going down on some poseur who doesn't know the Sisters of Mercy from My Chemical Romance?"

That was taken directly from a jealous IM from Jason. I can't even begin to comment on that one.

2005-05-07 - 12:15 p.m.

Who says college students don't have goals?

Goals are good. Sure, I have a quinquinial plan (that's 5-years for those of you that lack my unique skill for remembering SAT vocabluary when hungover) but that's so far away. Few things are so satisfying as setting very short-term goals for yourself. Here's a break-down of my short-term goals from the last several hours:
6 p.m.: Get Ryan to Austin on time.
6:15: Cheer up Jason
8: Find a party
8:30: Find something to wear
9: Call other people so it's not just me and Poppy getting wasted alone
9:02: Light shot of raspberry flavored vodka on fire
9:07: Accept inability to light shot of raspberry flavored vodka on fire
9:08 Consume raspberry flavored vodka
9:30: Call other people so it's not just me, Poppy and Kristen getting wasted alone
10: Test functionality of liver
11: Continue testing functionality of liver
11:30: Film self testing functionality of liver
1: Make it outside so I don't ruin the carpet
1:05: Run back inside before downsairs neighbors catch me puking on their porch.
1:07: Make it to bathroom in time to continue puking
1:15-2: Give thumbs up over my shoulder to Poppy and Kristen from my spot at the base of the toilet everytime they come in to check on me to reassure them that I am not dead
2: Find toilet
2:01: Realize that I am hugging it
2:02: Barf one last time
2:15: Find couch and thank Kristen for holding my hair.
2:30: Pass out on couch
8: Not wake up Poppy and Kristen (who I can see through the crack in the door are in the same bed together but fully clothed... how ambiguous) as I gather my things
8:15: Drive home without getting pulled over
8:20: Make it up the stairs to my apartment
8:30: Not throw up in bed
Noon: Keep down a fruit smoothie

And those have been my short-term goals for the last day. I would like to say that I have acchieved them all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hangover to nurse.

2005-05-06 - 9:34 a.m.

Bizzare love pentagon

Jason is mad at me beyond anything that makes sense. He says I was ignoring him on campus and I say he was ignoring me. In the meantime, ever since I became single I have been the hottest ticket on campus. Everyone from the sociopath at work to the dude in contemporary art are hitting on me. I'm glad Jason's not around because he would be dying of jealousy. This has gotten so bad that I'm worried even Cyrus has designs on me. He's been hugging me a lot when I see him which just weirds me out and he keeps inviting me over to his flat for some seemingly innoccous (sp?) purpose. I've had to go on the defensive because I'm so in demand. I know this sounds cocky, but it's true. I am one helluva desirable little green-haired weirdo.

Which brings me to my quote of the whole fucking week:
"...well, I mean, I really like you Emma, but I don't know if I'm in like with you."
To which I respond "Wait- isn't that from Futurama?"
To which he responds "Yeah- Fry's my hero- but it's still true."
Oh, and who am I talking about when I say "he"? Why, my sister's ex-boyfriend, of course! Could this situation be any weirder? Hmmm, only if you consider the love pentagon that can be made if one assumes (as I do) that this ex is truly "in like with me." You see, I broke up with Jon who has some really gay tendencies. Jon is in love with Zane. Zane is kinda sorta dating Sis. Sis used to date Ryan (the fellow with the Futurama quotes). And now if Ryan who used to date Sis is interested in me who used to date Jon who's in love with Zane who dates Sis, the pentagon has come full circle. That beats the pants off a bizzare love triangle any day.

Oh, but Jason- since I know you're reading this, please try not to be angry. I haven't actually accepted any of the myriad offers boys have made in my direction, and I do still miss you. I'm just caught in an amusing situation. Oh- and I still wasn't ignoring you.

2005-05-03 - 9:42 p.m.

Life

And the attention grabbing entry sentence of the day is....

Today I participated in a drug deal.

Having said that, let me specify. I was walking through the park on the way home from work. At a distance I saw I group of shadowy figures. Naturally, I became nervous and quickened my pace. As I approached them though, I saw that it was just a cluster of teenagers out past curfew (and on a school night no less!) I took a relieved drag off my cigarette and smiled as I walked by. They smiled back and one of the boys whispered something to his companions. I kept walking as they continued to whisper in increasingly unhushed voices. Finally one of the girls called out "Um, hey, uh, excuse me, ummm, you?" I turned around and asked what. One of the boys elbowed the girl who, upon being prompted asked if she could have a cigarette. I laughed. It was abundantly clear that they were underage, and as an adult who desperately wants to quit smoking but can't I realize that I should not encourage underage smoking. It is a horrible habit, yadda, yadda, yadda. I just looked at the girl and saw a younger me- I mean, if younger me had been hispanic and worn braces. I remembered how impecabbly cool it was if you could score a smoke and I thought about what a beautiful night it was to be out past curfew in the park. I remember nights in the spring that just seemed made for shenanigans. Hell- they still exist only there is no curfew to break and I can legally procure both alcohol and cigarettes so the glamour is gone. I handed the girl a cigarette and she held it like it was made of eggshells. Her friends looked impressed. Timidly, a cute blonde with a tough looking necklace said "I'll give you a buck if you give us two?" So I gave them three. You could tell they were on top of the world. They were badasses in eachothers eyes and they looked carefully at each other to confirm this fact as they passed around my lighter. Finally my lighter returned to me and the blonde asked if I didn't want my dollar. I said nah, but she insisted. So yeah, I traded money for a controlled substance.

Therefore, my opening sentence was true.

I continued on through the park and accross the street. I paused for a passenger train at one of the dozens of tracks that chris-cross this little Texas town. On board there were a few people leaned tiredly against the windows. I thought about how I've always wanted to travel America by train and how I hear them rushing by all day everyday but I've still never been on one. This town was built by trains. The trains decide our schedules. There are days when you just can't cross town because every road has a train overlapping it. There are nights when you can't sleep because the whistles are blowing every 5 minutes. And yet, if you talk to people around here, none of us have ever actually been on one. It's oddly ironic.

After the train passed fat drops of rain began falling. They were so huge and so few and far between that I felt like I could look up, see them falling and walk out of the way. It was a night where you could literally walk between the raindrops. All things considered, that night- this one that's still going on- was/is romantic. It's beautiful in that way that lets you know that you're still alive.

I walked on, cutting accross the parking lot of the Walgreens. The drops became more frequent and I thought of the kids in the park and hoped they were keeping dry. It dawned on me that I didn't care if I was wet or dry, so long as I was alive, and it further dawned on me that those kids probaly felt the same. They could get soaked to the bone but so long as they all acknowledged the mutually held truth of their badassness, the night would continue marvelously.

So yes, I am sad. I have been sad. I'm still in the process of a messy, messy breakup. I'm still in love with the boy I'm leaving. Life is mind-numbingly complex. But the thing is- in the middle of all that shit you find yourself walking home one night and remember that it's good to be alive in spite of all the dumb stuff that happens. Every day is a new day, every night is a new night.

2005-05-03 - 1:22 p.m.

Party, Poppy, Poop

I finally got my paper done last night. Once I was done with that and the German test, I was ready for a party. Fortunately, the rest of my Deutsch homies were in agreement. We headed over to Poppy's apartment for a pleasant little party. It was indeed pleasant. We watched Super Troopers because funny movies are always funnier when liqour is involved. This new dude named Mark came over (different Mark from the other Marks I know) and so did Kristen, Cutter, Cutter's lady Jamie, and De Sade. The last one didn't stay long though because he needed to go be with Scarface. Really- that girl owns his soul. Oh, and for those of you who were unclear on this point:

I am not interested in De Sade. Both the dead writer and the living friend. I would go into detail on how 120 days of Sodomy made me queasy, but it's the friend I call De Sade who is really at issue here. I admit- I kissed him ONCE. That was months ago. We were drunk. But I would also like to admit that he's a good friend. Jason always doubted the platonacy of my friendship with De Sade, but let me reassure everyone (Jason included since I know he still reads my blog) that I do not have designs on him and never have. He's a pure, unadulterated man-whore. I pitty any girl dumb enough to pursue him... or I would but I don't have the time to pitty such a large cross-section of the female population. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Oh, but his new girl is still a bitch.

But at least Cutter's relationship isn't so sucky. I mean, sure- it's still kinda not perfect, but at least he's not dating Scarface.

And speaking of love sucking... Jason refuses to "just be friends" and rejects the proposal that I shall perhaps one day return to him. He's adamant about burning his bridges to the point that he is encouraging me to keep the cell-phone he left over at my place. That's pretty fucking drastic. Now you see what I mean when I say that Morrisey is right about everything. The Smiths are all I can stand to listen to now as i find my heart being pooped upon. It's like the quintessential soundtrack to having your heart pooped on.

Then again, who am I to complain? I hurt him far worse than he hurt me.

2005-05-02 - 4:53 p.m.

-

Morissey was right about everything.

2005-05-02 - 1:10 p.m.

About a dozen unrelated topics, manically strung together

My fears have been confirmed- no one does get my sense of humor. Cyrus told me today that I take the internet too seriously (and specifically facebook). I informed him that my entire previous entry was dripping with sarcasm. He didn't get it. Hmmm, maybe that's not my fault but his... he's a tad... odd. Just to give you an idea, here's a pic:

Yup, the disgruntled fellow in the kilt is Cyrus, for those of you souls who don't know what I'm talking about when I say he's strange. And yes- he wears medieval recreationist garb on campus.

Annnnyyyway- today I had two things for peers to react to. One was my new turquoise hair, which was generally met with enthusiastic aproval. The second was my breakup with Jason. That was met in some cases with approval, in some with pity, in some with sadness and in some with confusion. My friends didn't seem to know what to say, but eh- I wouldn't know what to tell me either.

As for right this second, I'm in the library. I have a 6 page paper due at 5 and, at 1 I am 3 pages into it. Not so good. But I am happy because I just got out of my German final. I think it went well. Or wellish. The one really super thing I did though was buy the professor a car. Seriously. She's been talking for the last year about how bad she wants a silver BMW, so I got her one. It was matchbox scale, but the thought remains the same.

And that, my friends, earns brownie points. Not that anything so diabloical was in my head when I bought it. I scincerely ment to do something nice, but I realize that it will, indeed, earn me brownie points.

Other news from today:
Calysta bought me Pizza for lunch.
Cutter is trying to make things work with Jamie.
De Sade's new girlfriend is a psycho bitch. You may remember a girl I called Blue in a previous entry. Her new name is Scarface. She has a scar, it's on her face, and she remains a psycho bitch who is tearing De Sade from his friends. As De Sade is a man-whore, we are not used to him chosing "ho's before bro's"- he's more a love 'em and leave 'em type. So yeah, Cutter's not happy becasue he doesn't get to hang with his number one homie, Calysta's not happy becasuse she used to be bestest friends with Scarface, and I'm not happy because this is all a bit too high-school high-drama for my taste.

That's the thing about high school- the social structures established there keep coming back to bite you in the ass. Damn socilization.

Oh, and speaking of which, Sister has rudly dragged R.Thies the R.Tist through the mud for the last time. He is sad now. And I am once again amazed by the relative heartlessness of my dear little sister. I envy her, in a sick kind of way. How does she never fall in love? It must be wonderful to not seek another person to complete your life. She rejects boy after boy and never flinches. I pray to see her fall in love one day, just because it would be so delightfully out of character.

And as a final thought-
Hissandtell is a very smart lady. She has done me one better at my own game. Why did I not think to get on eBay and bid for things I don't need?! As soon as she reminded me of the time wasting power of eBay I logged on and began searching for half-used bottles of Manic Panic hairdye. If any of you people out-bid me, I will be most unhappy.

2005-05-01 - 8:50 p.m.

I'm winning

Ooo-ooo-ooo! (said by me while jumping up and down all happy-like) Wanna play a game!?!?!

To which you respond "sure, Emma, what is this game you speak of?"

To which I respond:
It's called the Not Study Game and it's sooooo much fun! Here's how you play: First you gotta have a German final tomorrow and a 6 page paper due in Latin American Art. Oh, and it helps if you're less than 2 pages done with that paper. Then you make yourself a big, squishy bowl of Ramen and get online. You score points for every minute you waste, and bonus points for more pointless time wasting. Like, you only get one point for a minute spent checking your school e-mail because that's a sorta responisible, neccessary thing to do. But now you gotta catch up to my score. You see, I got off work early (at 8) and since then 50 minutes have passed. I earned a point a minute for not studying, so I'm up to 50. I got 4 bonus points just logging onto facebook because that site is such a notorious time waster. Then I got 5 for updating my profile. I got a whopping 9 for searching my boss and adding him as a friend because who the Hell adds her boss as a friend? So now I'm up to 68. Oh- plus 5 bonus points for a blog entry. Plus another 5 for the 5 minutes I spent checking my friends' away messages on AIM and then re-checking them to confirm that they all still said the same thing. That bumps me up to 78. As you can see, I'm a badass at this game.

Meanwhile, Jason changed his facebook listing to "single" so I changed mine too. It hurt more than you would think. Nothing is more official than facebook. Well, maybe Myspace. No, not even that. It's like it's written in blood now. I'm pretty sad about that, but I feel better because I did really well at work tonight. I earned 219 dollars for the school. I can hardly believe it. I am not only a time wasting badass, but also a fundraising badass. The only downside is that my co-workers seem to think I'm ditzy. Why is it that half the people I meet find me uncomfortably intelligent and the other half find my eye-rollingly dumb? I think it may be that they don't get my sense of humor, but I'm still confused on that one.

2005-05-01 - 10:01 a.m.

Stupid mornings.

Woke up. Felt like ass despite a quiet night in. Made breakfast. Caught breakfast on fire. Failed to figure out complicated smoke detector mechanism. Ripped smoke detector off wall and stashed under pillow. Noise stopped. Attempted breakfast again. Caught breakfast on fire again. Became pissed off. Now: eating black toast. Later: going back to bed and wondering what the hell lump under pillow is.

2005-04-30 - 11:26 p.m.

Lame, lame, lame.

You might be wondering what I'm doing at home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. I honestly don't know. The import of the last few days have hit me like a ziplock baggie of pennies dropped from the roof of the library.
And the library is really tall.
So yeah- I spontaneously became really depressed. I don't want to party. Now I'm in my jammies and listening to the Bible on casette. Don't even ask for an explanation of why I love listening to the Bible on casette. It seems like something for a creepy, middle aged fundamentalist woman, but no- I'm a 21 year old with blue-green hair. Go figure. While you're going and figuring things, you can go figure what the hell is going on in my love life and why I'm so depressed right now.

Anyway, since I'm not going out tonight I guess I might as well go to sleep. Forgive me for my lameness.

2005-04-30 - 7:59 p.m.

Another Saturday, another party

Jason's sad, my job sucks and I'm filled with the neurotic notion that my friends only pretend to like me. All things considered, it's a red-letter day. I need to change things. I need to fix things. I already dyed my hair, which was a start to turning my mood around. All I need now is to find a party to show my new scalp off at. A party with copious quantities of beer is preferable, and I see that I'm not the only one who thinks this. As I write this one of my downstairs neighbors is walking up the sidewalk carrying a case of cheap beer and a pack of wine coolers. Fortunately I think I have something far better. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure that a friend is throwing a TWO keg party. Yup- there will be TWO of them there. Of course, that's not the main appeal for me- beer is good, but more than anything else I just want to be around people. I want to laugh and dance. I don't want to start any fights and I sure as hell don't want any kisses. I just want to go over to this chick's place and party with a different crowd. I need that, I think. Of course, I won't mind if any of my firends show up, but again- I'm filled with the creeping paranoia that none of them really like me- they just put up with me for grins. Probably not true, but fuck- what am I if not really neurotic?

2005-04-30 - 1:44 p.m.

Hurting someone you love, Vol. II

For reasons as of yet inexplicable, my latest entries aren't showing up. Go figure. In the meantime, Jason is very, very sad. He called me earlier and it made me cry just to hear him that sad. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. All I know is that when someone I love is upset it's very hard to focus on schoolwork. I also know that my cramps aren't helping. Oh- and one final thing that I know. I know I do still love him, even though things are weird- I would say weird now- but no- they're weird forever.

2005-04-30 - 12:03 p.m.

Blue as my hair.

I feel like shit. Yesterday was Jason and my aniversary. We had been together 2 years to the day. I had a couple margaritas and was in a position to confess some things I wish I hadn't. No, scratch that. I wish I hadn't done them in the first place. But I had to tell Jason eventually and there's no way you can lie to someone you love when he asks you a point-blank yes-or-no question. So yeah- I sort of kissed a friend at a party. Two friends, actually. Two different parties, two different friends. You friends, you know who you are and are already aware that I feel like shit about it. I didn't mean to,, but I'm in a phase of my life where things like that have an uncanny way of happening.

Talk about a lousy way to end an aniversary. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I couldn't sleep last night and woke up at 7 a.m., unable to sleep anylonger. I was too depressed to go out last night but I hid that behind a guise of needing to study. That was true as well- I did need to study- finals are this coming week- but mainly I just felt sad. I woke up this morning feeling like something had to change so I did what I do everytime I get that feeling. I dyed my hair. Now it's turquoise but since I was upset and only had half a bottle left my hair has streaks and spots of blonde showing through the turquoise. After dying I spent a good period of time trying to mix a nail polish color that would perfectly match my hair. I never quite found one, but the color on my right thumb and index finger is closer than that, say, on my left pinky. At the end of the day they're all turquoise though.

Not that any of this can fix my love-life.
Nor can the fact that "Boys Don't Cry" is playing on the radio right now. The Cure makes me happy/sad. I don't even know where Jason and I stand right now. I just know that I do still care for him and I don't want him out of my life, but at the same time I realize that I've fucked up pretty bad. What makes it even sadder is that he's not even really mad at me. If you want the whole scoop from his end, just click here because when I say here I'm talking about his blog.

*sigh*

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.