2005-04-28 - 10:08 p.m.

My friends are nerds and work sucks, but Jason loves me

You know- it dawns on me that I always take mental note when I recieve a Quote Of The Day, but I so seldom transcribe it. So without further ado, here's today's deep thought:

"...it was like, I woke up one day and I had turned into a vampire so I was like 'crap!'"

That one comes from Keith. He was talking about a computer RPG he was playing. Because yes- I have the kind of friends who narrate RPGs to me.

In other news, I'm sick of work. What's sad is that it's only my second day. Baaaad sign. I'm just putting up with it for the paycheck- but then again- isn't that true of all jobs? If only one existed where I got paid to sit around reading Camile Paglia and drinking wine... (or why I am a carreer student/maybe someday professor).

And in other, other news, tomorrow is my 2-year anniversary with Jason. We're going out in Austin and it should be truly fabulous. Just thought I would share.

2005-04-28 - 12:43 p.m.

Me at 16.

I submit for your appoval a photo I found in my sister's room:

Now you may be wondering who that girl is and what she's doing. To answer the first question, she's me at 16. As for what she's doing, that is directly related to what me at 16 was like. You see, right before that picture was taken I had the worst rollerblading wipeout ever. I have bandages (if you notice) on my sides, hands, fingers, elbows, and pretty much everywhere. The elbows were the worst though. I tore them up so bad I couldn't bend my arms for days. That's why I'm holding the beer like that. I really wanted to drink it (I was 16- I didn't know where my next one was coming from) but I couldn't bend my elbows to bring it to my mouth. This was frustrating me, hence the look on my face. And one final thought- I know the scan quality is shitty so it's kind of dark, but yes- that is my natural haircolor.

2005-04-27 - 3:29 a.m.

My sister, my hair

Ever get the nagging sense that your ass is about to be kicked by a girl with crazy hair who looks just like you but is bigger and stronger? Yeah, that's how I feel when I update my blog on my sister's computer. She's not here right now and I am (on load two of about 5 loads of laundry... the whole reason I came over in the first place). So why am I risking life and limb to get online? Just to share this epiphany: If you are weird enough for long enough, your parents will quit noticing. Sure, it's a shock at first, but when I came home today with (albeit faded) blue and pink stripes in my currently platinum hair... well, they didn't even blink. I am truly blessed, I think...

2005-04-26 - 9:21 p.m.

I am one sick puppy.

Realized part of why I've been in such a shitty mood. Aparently I'm sick but have spent the last several days in denial about that. Now that I've been forced to acknowledge being ill again I find myself also being forced to acknowledge the fact that I have THE WORST IMMUNE SYSTEM EVER! Stupid immune system...

Ah well, in the meantime Jason and I broke up again and then made up again- all in the last 24 hours. Yeah- the two of us have been growing in really different directions of late, but for some reason we both still really love one another. You can't break up with someone when you're really in love- even if you do make each other crazy. Anyway, we've vowed to work it out, and work it out we shall. Stay posted for updates on my tumultuos lovelife. In the meantime, I gotta go chug some nyquil and then fall into a stuporous slumber. Hurrah for stupor!

2005-04-25 - 10:23 a.m.

Mourning doves

Outside my window there are two doves. Not pigeons- actual doves. My dad taught me the names of all the birds I'll probably ever see. These are mourning doves, to be specific. I find that funny in a sad way because that's really appropriate for how I feel right now. I remember a Farside comic where a guy opens his window not to be greeted by the bluebird of happiness but instead by the chicken of depression. Hello little birdies- symbols of how I feel like shit this morning. I think that in my head in thier direction and sure enough one of them lets out a little cu-uooo-o-uoooww. It's like the noise pigeons make only sadder. That's how mourning doves got thier name. They always sound sad. I, however, do not have that luxury. Even when I awake feeling profoundly moody, I have to go put on a happy face. Oh, fuck, that's what I have to do right now. Time to go to class and laugh and smile at all my silly German peers and pretend I'm not in the midst of some unseeable but crippling spiritual crisis.

Goddamn, I could use a hug right now.

2005-04-24 - 9:01 p.m.

Hey- a job's a job

Just got back from work.
Been a long time since you heard me say that, right? But I did- I just got back from work. Oh- and it turns out that I'm not supposed to call myself a "telemarketer." I am a fundraiser for university advancement. I say I'm using a TELEphone for MARKETING, so technically I'm a telemarketer, but my boss thinks that's a dirty word. But that allows me to segue nicely into a critique of the new boss-man. He is alarming. He is remarkable. He is younger than the oldest student he just hired and confusingly laid back. I say confusingly because you don't get to be boss (especially in your mid-twenties) when you're that laid back. I'm thinking that he is hard-core behind the "what's up, dude?" extierior but he only lets that out of the bag when you fuck up.

Note to self: Do not fuck up. Nice side of boss is fun.

But the work seems easy enough, the hours are reasonable, and it generally seems like a sweet job. The only downside is that I won't get my first paycheck until the 16th of May. Until then you will be forced to endure me prioritizing my spending over and over again ("now should I buy the black nail polish and soysage first or should I be saving for that iPod?") as well as me complaining about the complexities of begging Mom for money.

Oh, and the other downside is King Dork. He has won that title fair and square. Also, after only a few hours of knowing him he has unseated Cyrus from his title of "biggest sociopath I know." Yup- King Dork is an UBERSOCIOPATH. But I figure that to be an effective telemarketer you have to be.

2005-04-24 - 10:04 a.m.

the best worst weekend ever

So here's my quote of the day. It's actually something Cutter said in a months old blog entry, but I never had the addy of Cut's blog before so I had never heard this deep thought:

"Yes, I've started drinking again. Don't really want to, but hey, feels better than thinking about everything."

To which I say, Amen, dear friend. Thinking about things sucks, if I may break it down into such over-simplified terms. In fact, that's probably why college students drink so much. While we know life doesn't get any easier, we will get more mature. Until then, we are complicated balls of hormones, low self esteem and uncertainty. What am I doing with my life? Am I in love? What the fuck is with my hair? These are all questions that can be pleasantly blocked out with beer. College is a watered-down version of puberty, just as Natural Light is a watered down version of actual beer. Everything is in flux and nothing makes sense in a full and complete fashion. It's not as strong/intensely unpleasant as puberty, but it deffinitely fucks with your head.

Speaking of which, I was having one of my depressed times again yesterday. I really wanted to turn to Jason and have him comfort me and make it all better, but alas, he was going through his own shit. Fucking youth... everyone's going through something of blown-out-of-melodramatic-proportions at all times. So yeah- I was all upset but when I got online someone started sending me harrassing IMs. It was really obnoxious. This dude made me cry. It was awful. Then I found out that it was Jason logged on under a different name. I demanded of Jason, after he confessed that it had been him, what the fuck he had been thinking. He was basically trying to trick me into cheating on him with this jerk alternate persona so he could catch me. Or that's what I gathered. Jason simply replied that he thought I liked jerks. Then I cried some more. I cried a lot yesterday. That's why, when Cutter informed me that there would be beer at De Sade's, it sounded like a good idea. Forget the part where I was in bed till 5 in the evening sleeping off the effects of Friday- it's been a fucker of a week so large amounts of alcohol seem like a good idea. I mean, don't get me wrong- I did well this week. Things were good. I was making exceptional grades, getting shit done and generally kicking ass. The thing is that being a badass is highly stressful, as are 5 consecutive nights with less than 3 hours of sleep. After that it was inevitable that I would have a few days of crashing and burning.

And oh boy, have I ever crashed and burned.

After school on Friday the drinking began early. I went over to Poppy's place for a German party. By 10 p.m. I was drunk enough to be stumbing around muttering "Ich liebe dich und ich liebe dich und ich liebe dich..." to all my friends. (Translation: "I love you and I love you and I love you..." also note that this was accompanied by limp wristed pointing in thier faces as I indicated whom I loved). Now you should know that I meant that but I didn't mean that. In no way do I romantically love Cutter. De Sade, Poppy, K, Butch Girl, or any of the rest. But I do love them. Sometimes friends are all you have, and I'm grateful that I at least have that. I remember back in Wimberley, growing up. Everyone was my friend but I got the feeling no one really liked me. I'm awkward and loud. I talk too much, I laugh too much, I yell too much, I cry too much. Sometimes people would throw parties and be like "I can't handle that MUCH. Let's not invite her." But these people I know now- the ones I call friends- they actually seem to not harbor any secret loathing of me. I find this a remarkable and wonderful phenomenon. So yeah- I raise a toast- a blue-green Christmas Shot (another brilliant Poppy liqour invention) to all the people who aren't just pretending to like me. I owe you guys.

Yeah, thank God for friends...
It's unfortunate though- all of them are in love or some facimile thereof. So much complication... Like on Friday? De Sade brought over Gir. I'm calling her Gir because she loves Gir from Zim. Zim fans are a very special breed, so I feel she deserves to be identified as such. Also, Gir could be short for "Girl" a nice, generic way to denote what De Sade likes. He really likes Gir specifically, but more importantly, he likes GIRLS. It's a problem. So yeah, he's smitten with Gir and she even moreso with him. It's hard to get inbetween a couple at a party to talk to either individual member of the unit so why bother? Oh, and Cut? He's been bitten in the ass for trying to juggle two girls at once, so he's just really fucking depressed. And Poppy is infatuated with K. As I passed out on the couch I saw, out of my one open eye- them kissing. I think they would be a perfect couple but K is hesitant because she normally prefers tattooed biker-rocker types and Poppy... well, he looks like a polite young man. Sure, he has tattoos, but they're the not-super visible kind. I hope they do get together. Failing that, they shared a bed on Friday night, though I'm not sure whether or not any nookie transpired.

With all the things that were said and done on Friday and to a lesser extent, Saturday, we just may be looking at the most awkwardly bizzarre German class ever on Monday. Everyone looking over their shoulders thinking "I know what you did this weekend... I'm just hoping you forgot what I did."

I find that funny.
In fact, despite being cripplingly depressed right now, I'm in a very good mood. I see the humor in all this bullshit we humans throw at one another. The sun is shining. The sky is beautiful. Life is good. I love the fact that I'm alive, despite all the times I've wanted to quit. I'm glad, even though things sort of suck right now- all around me there is love. All around me there is stupidity and happiness. I can deal with that.

2005-04-23 - 10:13 p.m.

Depressingly depressed

Depressed; having one of those nights. One of those lifetimes, really. Trying to cope- doing less well than usual. Meant to draw a comic about last night's craziness but now I'm just too sad. I think I'm gonna go read something to remind myself that even when life sucks I still have my brain and its accompanying love of knowledge.

2005-04-23 - 7:08 p.m.

Brain vs. Body

My Body: "Hmm, I'm tired, achey, cranky and have cramps. I need a hot bath."
My Brain: "Well that's great. Too bad you have to clean the tub first."
Body: "Why would I have to clean the tub?"
Brain: "Gawd you're stupid- remember how you puked in the bathtub sometime around 8 this morning?"
Body: "Oh yeah... I forgot."
Brain: "Stupid body."
Body: "Hey, lay off! It's your fault I puked in the tub. You're the one who's supposed to tell me to quit drinking when I've had enough."
Brain: "Look- I was stressed out from all the tests and papers due this week. I don't know how much we had. But YOU should have cut yourself off when you started getting queasy."
Body: "I was too busy to notice. Like when I was dancing to Thrill Kill Cult with K and another shot found its way into my mouth. Or when I was smoking with Butch Girl and we kept eating more of those god-forsaken but ever so wonderful cherries- you should have been paying attention."
Brain: "ME? Stupid Body. I don't need this shit. Let's go back to sleep."
Body: "This is the first time I've agreed with you all day. But hey- what about my bath?"

2005-04-22 - 5:44 a.m.

I kick ass!

Cigarettes and coffee are beginning to taste like ass. While I will acknowldege- both are aquired tastes and there's a good chance you're already thinking at least one of the mentioned substances tastes like ass- this is a bad sign. I'm suffering from chronic sleep deprivation and really getting sick of it. I would LOVE to go back to bed, but alas- I MUST memorize a ton of German by 8:30 this morning. Ugh.

But here's the thing- my lifestyle in the last week has been EXCRUCIATINGLY high stress. No sleep- all school. But here's the thing- it's paying off. I seem to be having the best week ever. Seriously. Let me break it down for you- first I got a PERFECT 100 on a paper for Housfield's class that I was up late and early stressing on. While I was doing that I was (as I have been for the last 5 months) trying to get a job but not expecting any miricles. Nope- I finally got hired. Easy work- 7 bucks an hour. Tele-fundraising for the school. Meanwhile things have shifted and it looks like I may be able to begin a TA position in August. That would be badass beyond anything you understand. Ignore the part where I would be a professor's bitch and consider it the first step to me being a professor myself. Anyway- while all this craziness was going on I have also spent about 6 hours on campus cramming for the German oral, but with the way stress is paying off for me of late, I have a pretty good feeling.

Oh! And speaking of me being a badass, guess what my bowling score was yesterday? 287. Yup. 287. I had a perfect game in the 10th frame. 11 strikes. Then I choked at the end. Okay- I'll admit. It was 8-pin strike day. only 5 of those strikes were real, legit strikes. The other 6 were cases where I knocked down 8 or 9 and it counted as strikes. BUT STILL!! I've never even SEEN anyone get that close to a perfect game, much less done it myself.

So yeah- I'm high on life right now. But the cigarettes and coffee still taste like ass.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.