2005-04-15 - 8:42 p.m.

My horoscope, more Cyrus and even more drunkenness

Normally I try to avoid boring you (dear readers) with my daily horoscopes, but this one is a particular hoot:

An unexpected visit from a gloomy or depressed person might have you feeling a little disconcerted, EMMA. Don't try to be too cheerful. At this time it is more important to be a good listener. You might also find yourself a bit on edge today, and you could find yourself jumping at sudden noises. Take care not to read too much into this. This over sensitivity is only temporary and should pass within a few days.

First thought: some of my friends are always depressed and others are sometimes depressed, but they all drop by unannounced. The first sentence is like saying "today it might rain or be sunny." It's a pretty safe bet. Now on to the second sentence: "Don't try to be too cheerful." Dear Horroscope writer, don't worry about it. My all-encompasing sarcasm makes cheerfulnesss impossible. And I can't stop being a good listener. Seventeen years in school have taught me to look really fascinated when boring people are saying boring things. I'm the best listener on earth. Just be warned that as I'm looking really concerned about your room-mate troubles and grades and dead goldfish I'm probably thinking about how I could really go for some jelly beans and need to do laundry. It's not that I don't like you- just that I'm well trained in the art of zoning out. But back to the horoscope.... it goes on to say "you might also find yourself a bit on edge today, and you could find yourself jumping at sudden noises." To which I reply "no shit- sounds like every day of my hummingbird-hyper life." Only the horroscope goes on to reassure me that this is a passing fad. I can only reply "bollocks! My nature is high strung! Ack! More esspresso!!!!"

I should shower before the party. I should also eat. And work on homework. Fuck, while I'm at it I need to find a job, finishing registering for the fall and... hmmm, seems like there was something else on the "dumb shit to do in the 5 days of sobriety between Sunday morning and Friday night" list. I finished the taxes, maybe that was it. I hope that was all because lort knows I'm running out of non-inebriated time.

And now for a stupid but true joke:
You might be a Texas State student if...
you become alarmed when you read an article in a womens magazine which announces that even if you don't drink every night you might have a drinking problem if you consume more than 4 drinks in any given night. You think the magazine must be kidding, because after all, most people you know have about 15 drinks in a week... but those 15 drinks are all consumed in one sitting.

Aparently binge drinking isn't normal in the rest of the world. Who knew?

Oh, right... Cyrus knew. I've been offending him more than usual lately. Today he became deeply offended by what I thought was a funny joke about me being a compulsive masturbator. He called me aside and told me (in a most condescending fashion) that there's more to life than just sex. I told him he wouldn't say that if he had ever experienced it. I immediately felt bad about saying that but he didn't give me too much time to recant. His first onslaught was spiritual and his second was intellectual. He informed me that he's going to be more successful in life than me and a famous screenwriter not in spite of but BECAUSE of his inability to get a date. A most odd assertion, and one I could not let stand. So I reminded him that many great writers are fully capable of getting laid. Then I sighed. Then I went to class. I appreciate all that this fellow has helped me with but it pisses me off that he acts like my father. No, not like my father- my father is a goofy, laugh-at-anything, super intelectual, often stoned hippy-type. My father would never give me shit about my sex-life. Cyrus acts the way I assume other people's fathers act. There are about eight-million layers of this for me to analyze, but first I fear I must go do something else my caped-homie disapproves of- you know, go engage in that most unhealthy of college past-times- binge drinking. No- scratch that- I must first shower, then drink excessively.

But very, very first I must analyze how odd it is that it seems more like you have a problem when you acknowledge how much college students are prone to drink than when you deny it. If I just said "I'm going to a party" it would sound innocent, but saying "I'm going to go drink excesively" sounds worrisome. I don't see why- the former sentence means the same as the later. But enough analysis- now to shower, drink and fulfil my horroscope.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.