2005-04-01 - 10:01 a.m.

Drunken revelry at De Sade's place

Ah, yes- drunken shenanigans last night at De Sade's place. It was less fun than the last Sadean party I went to (but if you recall that ended in my puking in the bushes then waking up on De Sade's bathroom floor, so I'm not complaining).

*I would like to interupt this tale of emarassment and inebriation to make an important public service announcement: I am not "drunk girl" from SNL. I am not some wasted college student who does this every night of the week and continually falls down on herself. I am a mature and responsible young woman who on occasion has lapses of judgement like "Mixing Natural Light and Jager? What could possibly go wrong!?" Thank you for your time- now on with the story.

Hmmm- now where was I?
Oh, yes- De Sade's party. It started out great- Poppy (actually spelled "Pape" but I've spelled it phonetically here so as not to confuse you non-German speakers out there) brought a bottle of Jagermeister. You know what Jager does to you? It makes you profoundly stupid in very little time. Poor Cutter had never had Jager before so he took a shot and said "wow, this is warm and yummy!" So he took another on those grounds. Then another. Three shots of Jager in 5 minutes. Yes, Cutter was most stupid by the end of that. Fortunately he was the funny, pleasant kind of stupid. Hell- I had 2 beers before my shot of Jager so I was sufficiently stupid as well. We were all stupid. Poppy kept shouting that we'd better finish the bottle by the end of the night or he wouldn't be able to go to school the next day. You know, because he would wake up in the morning and start drinking Jager again. Fortunately he was saved from that fate and the bottle was done around midnight. That was also about the time we got the warning from a cranky lady cop. We needed to shut the hell up or citations would be handed out. Ouch. That really put a damper on the prevously more fun party because we all started shushing each other. De Sade had to circle his appartment, trying to convince everyone to quiet down. The only time he calmed down was when What's-her-name got on his lap. You know, the same What's-her-name that was so infinitely pissed when she found De Sade and I passed out on the bathroom floor last time. I proclaim to the heavens that nothing; absolutely NOTHING happened between us, but she was angered by our passed out proximity to one another. I've never seen her sober, so maybe it's just a drunk thing, but Whats-her-name is quite bitchy. I assume she's quite good in bed- otherwise I don't know why De Sade would have the patientce to deal with her.

On the upside, though, two girls who I am quite fond of were there- Tetris Queen Britany and Cute Little Stephanie. Don't let their sweet names and general adorablity fool you- they are wild beyond your wildest dreams. At some point the three of us were severely hitting on one another, just to get a rise out of the boys.

Oh, but if we're talking about boys and their rises I should throw in that last night I saw a Prince Albert in person for the first time. Someone mentioned piercings (because everyone there had several) and then someone mentioned how some guys... like that guy over there by the door- have pierced wee-wees. We all became very interested and began asking the guy by the door if he really had one and if it hurt and all those type of questions. Since he was drunk (and I think stoned as well, but I didn't partake in any of that... I never do- so I'm not sure who was stoned and who was not) anyway, since he was thouroughly gone, rather than talk about it he pulled his piecing (and the um, thing it's attached to) out to show us. I suppose if you're the kind of guy who gets your dick piecrced you're also the kind of guy who doesn't mind spontaneously whipping it out in the middle of a crowded living room.

Shortly thereafter though the party took a turn for the worse. Remember how I proclaimed earlier that I am not "Drunk Girl"? If you're not familiar with this SNL character I pity you because then you will not fully understand what these girls that showed up were like. One in particular was inchorrent- spilling her giant souvinier cup of something red all over herself. She was blonde and large, spilling out of her far-too-small top. She was tanned and sunburned and drunk to the point that her nose and chest were as red as whatever she was drinking. She kept shouting but when we would shush her, saying that the cops had been by earlier, she would say "Rillllleeeee? Woooowwwww." she kept asking for high-fives but her hands were too limp and confused to execute that complex procedure. Her willing friend would extend a palm in compliance and she would meet it with a fist or a poke or a curled under wrist. I looked at this girl and thought "God, where am I? What am I doing? This is stupid- we're all wasting our lives." To end this existential despair I turned to find a friend. Cutter was in the bedroom, swilling Firewater like it was nonalcoholic, noncinnamon flavored real water- you know, the kind that hydrated you and doesn't burn going down. Shortly therafter he was all over another girl whos name I forget. I believe that by the end of the night Cutter actually got laid, so I suppose I'm happy for him, but that obviously ruled him out as someone I could lean on/talk to as I tried to get my mind off Drunk Girl, who was still leaned against the counter and still shouting something that didn't make sense to anyone- least of all her. So I turned to De Sade, but What's-her-name was on his lap and he was distressed about the noise coming from Drunk Girl- after all, there were minors drinking and if the cops came back the horrible, horrible, massive ticket would be given to him. If we were quiet the cops would not come back, but Drunk Girl was NOT quiet. Whats-her-name was trying to calm him down though, so I gave up on him. Then I turned to Cute Little Stephanie, but she was reading one of De Sade's Hustlers with her boyfriend, trying to make sense of the porn. She called me over to tell me that the cock in that picture was so big it was scary. I agreed but didn't want to think about sex, so I went after Poppy. Unfortunately he was busy being the hero of the party. Everyone had heard the legend of "The Mystery Box" indirectly and wanted to hear it from the source. Someone would find out that he was the person who had commited the horrible, wonderful crime of "The Mystery Box" and then shout out to his friend "Dude! You gotta get over here! This is the Mystery Box Guy!" Then of course Poppy would have to tell the tale of the Mystery Box again. It got even more fantastic as the night went on. I suppose I'll tell you the standard, undressed-up story in my next entry. Until then, Poppy's new nickname is The Mystery Box Guy. To continue with my story though, I was all out of friends. I looked for The Tetris Queen but she was on her way out the door. She had work at 5 A.M. so she made a graceful exit and everyone sympathised. It dawned on me at that moment that she had a very good idea. I too would make a polite but legitamate excuse and get away from the increasingly stupid party. At first I thought I would try to sneak past De Sade because he always gives people guilt-trips when they leave. Unfortunately he was standing between the fridge and the front door so if I wanted to take the remaining three cans of very cheap beer I had brought with me when I left I would have to pass by him and he would notice that I was leaving. Finally I confessed my intentions to him and much to my surprise De Sade was willing to see me go. It seemed that he was aware that the party had turned lame too. So I left, drove home, got plenty of sleep, and am now awake and semi-chipper. We'll see how the others are when I get to class today- especialy Mr. Jager-is-yummy, Cutter. If he comes to class I shall be amazed.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.