2005-02-14 - 8:33 p.m.

Where will I be in 5 years?

I should quit bothering Jason. He needs to study. I just keep talking and telling him shit that couldn't matter less. I'm still crazy-fucking manic. But the beautiful day has turned into a beautiful night. The beauty of the universe carries on regaurdless of my mood. The breeze is warm and even though I'm in the city I can see the stars. I know- San Marcos isn't much of a city, but where I grew up you could see every single star. There were no lights anywhere- unless I climbed up to the roof. Then, way off in the distance to the north I could see this orangey glow- Austin. To the south there was another orangey glow- San Antonio. Then between the two was a littler glow- San Marcos. I would sit there on my parent's roof and wonder about all the stuff that happened in these places where they never turned the lights off. Sounds cheezy I know, but it seemed so romantic to me. Now I'm in the glow and it seems less romantic, but I'm still gratful for where I am. Seriously, if I had stayed in Wimberley any longer it would have killed me. No- maybe not that melodramatic- I just would have gotten really depressed- yeah, maybe died... that town just eats people. Every time I'm there too long it fucks with me- it's not a happy place. But as unhappy as it was I always felt nice on my parent's roof. The moon and the stars and the crickets... I spent a lot of time up there when I was in high school. That and it was a good place to sneak a cigarette and not get caught... haha, all these years later my parents still don't know I smoke. Maybe, if I'm careful, they never will. I'll be like the secretive playwrite girl from Royal Tennenbaums. That sounds about right.

Now time for a pointless White Stripes quotation:
Life is so boring
it's really got me snoring
I'm wearing out the flooring
in a cheap hotel
I don't have to work
and I might be sinning
but I'm never gonna have to hear the rings of school bells

Silly me and my silly music. Silly life and all the silly places it's gotten me. I wonder where I'll be in 5 years. I have no fucking clue. People ask- therapists, parents, academic advisors- where I see myself in 5 years. Do other people know the answer when this is asked of them? I guess they have generals too- just like me. Like I can tell you I'll be in grad school, but that seems so broad- so lame. I don't know where I'll be- anywhere from Florida to Chicago- God only knows. And will Jason be there? What if he doesn't get accepted to the same school? What if we can only IM one another accross a few thousand miles of America? What if I'm in Cali and he's in NY? And will I need a coat where I'm going? And what kinds of bands will play? Where will I spend my weekends and will I be able to concentrate and will I have a relapse and have to put of my plans to allow for a year of institutionalization. I still worry that I'll really flip out again and be sent there. I worry that I'll be old when I get out and my whole life will have disappeared in really bland rooms. And will I get ugly? I don't wanna get ugly- I don't wanna be alone. I don't know what I want.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.