2005-05-29 - 12:11 p.m.

I'm talking about music and beer, but only becauase I can't talk about boys.

If you read my last three entries prior to five minutes ago, you are a very lucky ducky. Because those entires don't exist anymore. Neither do the links to my blog from Myspace or Facebook. You see, I've been having some- shall we say difficulties of late, and part of the problem is my inability to shut my big, fat mouth. From this moment forward, I shall not talk about boys. I'll stick to subjects I know and understand... like inebriation. Yeah- that sounds good. Like how last night I went to the Triple Crown to see some bands play. I was most impressed by the musical proweses of both bands, but perhaps that was just the Shiner. (Shiner is a beer that you have not had unless you are from Texas- nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.) Anyway, I had a bit much but I've figured out that's the best thing to do at shows for college bands. The band might be good, yes, but it's 80% better with an alcoholic accompaniment. In fact, I think that's how most of the guys on the radio got famous in the first place. All music is better with beer- even the really crappy kind.

2005-05-21 - 11:10 p.m.

The events in this story are a little jumbled, but the angst is unadulterated

Well, another red-letter soap-opera night in San Marcos. I went to the Coffee Pot with R. to see The Attention Spaniards play. Michelle was there. Michelle had told Mike that R. asked her out (she subsequently rejected R.) so Mike acted weird to R. while hitting on Michelle. Then Mike went to the counter so Tony hit on Michelle while making faces at R. until his beautiful Parisian "just friends" housemate came back from the bathroom. The Parisian then was catty to Michelle who got offended and went to join Mike at the counter. R. couldn't take it anymore and went outside "to get some air." As I held down the fort at our usual table, doodling an image of a heart stabbed through with a smoldering cigarette, Tony meandered over. Deprived of the Parisian and Michelle, he looked intently at me and asked what I was working on.

To which I naturally replied "Nothing that can't be interrupted by a sexy man like you. Now lets go fuck in the men's room."

Oh, wait- that was what he wanted me to say. Instead I informed him of the obvious- you know- that it was a heart pierced by a smoldering cigarette butt. He nodded profoundly. I went looking for R.

Finally we both returned to the table, next to Tony, in front of Michelle, and behind that guy with the tattoos who keeps checking me out. The sexual tension in the room could have been cut with a spork- meaning it was thick but about as tasty and filling as cafeteria food. I reflected for a moment that it wasn't so bad- at least I was sitting there, young, beautiful, single, and wearing cooler shoes than either Michelle or The Parisian, and at least they knew it as evidenced by their slightly awkward compliments. As soon as that moment of reflection passed it dawned on me that I was being overwhelmingly petty. Fortunately I didn't have the time to think too hard about it. The band segued into their next song, but there was some chord jumbling followed by some feedback followed by some hurried talking amongst the band. An awkward interlude made more awkward by my realization of what was going on.

Boone, the guitarist said "Dude, I know the lyrics- I just don't know the bass part."
R. looked tense.
"Well, dude, we can't play it if you don't know the bass part," replied the bassist who had temporarily traded instruments with Boone.
Boone rolled his eyes.
Guitar and bass were traded back.
R. exerted all the effort he could muster to look apathetic. Slowly, the band regained its groove and played something else. Slowly R. picked up a pencil and began to write on the open page of my sketchbook.
One word at a time his note materialized.
"Do you know what that was?" he scribbled.
"What?" I scrawled back.
"I told Boone about that song I was playing with my band. He was just trying to play it... but I didn't show him the bass part."
Now let me say that I do know about the song in question. And it was R.'s. The rest of The Attention Spaniards would assume that Boone knew the bass part because R. plays bass in his band and he would be the one that showed it to Boone. Now that seems a tad unfriendly- to rip a buddy off at your show- but what makes it worse is that on Wednesday R. was at a show where the headline act ripped off his idea to use the evil-villan-from-Star-Wars theme played on the bass as an interlude. To be ripped off by two friends in a week without them so much as acknowledging their debt to him sort of pissed R. off. In the meantime, the weird thing going on between Michelle, the guy she was over-friendly with, Tony and the Parisian was getting to be too much for me.

Needless to say, R. and I made a break for it. We drove home and sat around bitching about how the only thing that sucks more than friendship is love.

Oh crap... now you got me started on the love thing.

How do I feel about love?

Haha- hmmmm

Here's the thing. Jason never stopped loving me and it drove him crazy. I kinda stopped loving him before I could admit it to him or myself. I feel like shit about that. How can a girl fall out of love with someone she's SO FUCKING SURE is her epic, eternal one-true-love, soul-mate type?

I muse about that in R.'s direction and he throws something back about the exes he now calls "psycho-slut-number-one" and "psycho-slut-number-two." And yeah, he was in love with both of them.

So he's not about to love me and I'm not about to love him. Yesterday we were mistaken for a couple twice and brother and sister once. The truth is really somewhere in between those two but that's what we both need. Neither of us need another relationship to fuck up and neither of us need to worry about being betrayed by one another. So we're not lovers (though yes, we have slept together) and we're not really like other friends. We are more like brother and sister, only the bond is not based in genetics but in our mutual resentment of all other hominid lifeforms. Now he's sitting on the floor. Said floor is covered in collage materials- both his and mine. We're both in the art show in a month, so we might as well get ready and trash my apartment in the process. The Ravonettes are playing too loud on the stereo but I'm less worried than I should be about possible pissed off neighbors. R. looks up and asks if I would be offended if he were to say that he hates people.

I laugh and tell him no.

I feel the same way.

2005-05-20 - 9:37 p.m.

It rhymes with fart.

Okay, I'm only going to post a really short entry here because I need to get off-line to work on art. Why the sudden urgency? Well, I went to that art opening last night- the one in the tattoo parlor with the keg- but hey, it was an art opening nonetheless. Anyway, the owner of the parlor/organizer of the art show is looking to have openings there on the third thursday of every month. Only she needs more people for next month's show. She knows I'm a badass, so after talking with her briefly I got the green light. Yuppers- I shall be one of the featured artists next month. The problem? I glance around my apartment and see... um... two finished pieces. Crapmuffins. Two finished pieces does not an opening make. I mean, I don't have to fill the whole place- there will be art by R. and Morgan and maybe some other people as well, but I need more than TWO things to hang. So yeah, I gotta get cracking if I'm going to have stuff finished, framed and ready to hang in what is now under a month. Thank God I'm not in school right now, or this would be an impossible feat. It's still daunting though. With that thought in mind, I must log off.

2005-05-19 - 12:37 p.m.

I hate the government

And no, this is not some rant about my displeasure with foreign policy, gay marriage or the usual. Nope, this is about buerocratic red tape on a more local level.

You see, a couple of days ago I went to the pharmacy to refil my beloved pills. I am ever so lucky (and I'm not being sarcastic here) in that the government pays for my meds. The downside? This program is grossly underfunded and tangled up in mumbo-jumbo so when I arrived at the pharmacy I was informed that it would be a few days before they could give me my refil.

To which I responded "You realize that the withdrawl from this makes me puke and pass out, right?"

The pharmcist scratched her head and agreed, but said that there was nothing she could do without governmental intervention.

So yeah, I spent the last couple of days trying to work this out. By yesterday afternoon, when I was finally able to procure my refill I had gone into shaky, nauseous withdrawl. I took my pills and felt marginally better, but I still felt too much like ass to fully appreciate the get-together at Poppy's last night. LAME! Ah well, at least I can make up for that at the beer-fuled art opening tonight. Go beer!

2005-05-17 - 9:27 a.m.

-

I'm feeling a bit better. Life is still complicated but I am comforted by the knowledge that I have the first two days of my prolonged weekend planned out already. I may have to work tonight, yes, but I'm starting the weekend tomorrow. Yes, on Wednesday. That would be the night I'm getting wasted at Poppy's place. Then on Thursday R. has an art opening at a tatoo parlor and there'll be free beer. Yaaaayyy free beer! Yaayyy for supporting friends and getting free beer out of it! Hurrah's all around!

2005-05-16 - 12:57 p.m.

-

I have a problem. This is the problem I've been coping with- the whole reason I broke up with him- the reason I cheated on him- the reason I'm still not happy. It's that I do still love Jason (there, I admitted it) but that I'm not ready to settle down. I'm 21. I'm too young for "true love" or whatever that thing is. But at the same time, I do love him. For all the liberated women out there who are shocked that I could forgive someone who two days ago seemed so violent, I know, I know- it doesn't sound good. He was pissed off but I know that he would never actually hurt me (again, I have hit him on several occasions and not had him hit back). He was just so mad at R. when he left the message on my machine about wanting to rip his head off, and who can blame him? R. is sleeping with the woman Jason gave his heart, soul and body to. You'd be pissed off too.

I know I would.

So yeah, I've done an incredibly unethical thing, but I don't know how to right it. I'm so fucking lost on this whole love thing.

Thus, I shall think about how lovely it is that today is payday or the fabulous party that will be held at Poppy's apartment in 2 days. Those things make me happy, at least for a little while until the memory of Jason comes back. I remember the things he used to say- he said I'm his sunshine even when I'm a dark little cloud. He said I was the most wonderfully pneumatic experiece since sliced bread. He wrote songs for me and told funny stories when I was sad. When I tried to hurt myself he would hold me down, even when I was screaming and biting. Yeah, I've had some really dark times that are not fully aluded to in this blog, and he's helped me through all of them. When I was suicidal he kept me alive, and I thank him for that. We used to talk about books, too. I don't think there's anyone else in this shitty little town as smart as he is- and that includes the resident professors.

So yeah, I'm feeling awfully nostalgic today. I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that I miss Jason more than usual. More than makes sense. I'm a weird mess.

Damn, this sucks.

2005-05-16 - 12:00 p.m.

I'm sorry

Jason apologized for his previous rage, but also made a good point. In all the time we were together, he never struck me, but I struck him. Yeah, I'm a very violent girl.

And damn... I know I fucked up, and I know I chose others over him, but damn... it's really easy to remember all the good times we had. It sucks, because I know his anger was in proportion to the situation, and I know I still miss him... it's just I dunno. I have a lot of ambivalence in me right now. Ambivalence is probably my favorite word in the English language. If I may engage in some mindless listing to take my mind off the present situation, these are some of my other favorite words:

utilize
miasma
chiaroscuro
quintessential
pie
eucharist
phlegm
efficacy
expediency
poop
lemur
sfumato
monosylabic
mandible
fuck

Bear in mind that the above is a highly abreviated list and that I love pretty much every word- those are just extra-favorites.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.

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