2005-05-15 - 9:31 p.m.

God told you to do WHAT?

If I may divert you for just a moment from my shitty love/social life, I feel a rant coming on. If you want to research the cause of this rant, feel free to click here or here. But if you'd rather hear my heavily editorialized and sarcasic version (all you Michael Moore fans out there, I'm talking to you), just keep reading!

Today gay-rights supporters wearing rainbow sashes were denied communion. Hmmm, last I checked, gays were being oppressed and Catholics were supposed to defend the downtrodden. But hey, who am I to judge? Oh- I'm suppposed to be judging? Judging others for their sexual preference? Hm, I somehow don't remember that being in the Bible. Oh, you say that is in the Bible? Leviticus 18.22? One sec, I'm flipping through my NRSV... yup, there it is... "you shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination." Now I will admit, "abomination" is a pretty stong word, but wait... in the next chapter that word is used again. In Leviticus 19.7 that's the word to descibe the practice of eating the sacrifice of wellbeing after three days have elapsed. Crap, I MUST be going to Hell, I don't even know when I last made a sacrifice of wellbeing! Hmmm, then a little further down the page is Leviticus 19.19- "...nor shall you put on a garment made of two different materials."

My point? Within a page of the imfamous ban on homosexuality is a ban that encompases our beloved cotton-poly blends. I encourage all those denied communion to ask the priest what his robe is made of. If he cares so much about gays he no doubt follows Leviticus to the letter. Hell, I bet he makes well-being sacrifices every chance he gets.

Now you might be a little sad and confused by my assertion that in the modern world you can/should not follow the Bible to the literal letter. Don't worry, I feel ya- I still count myself a Christian, in spite of all the shit done in God's name. All I can figure is this- in the Hebrew Scriptures God frees people from slavery, listens to their prayers and crushes thier enemies. Then in the New Testament a guy who may or may not be an incarnation of God wanderes around, preaches for the poor, fights the ancient equivalent of "The Man" and then dies all alone and forsaken. It's a lovely story for those not willing to take it as anything more, and a lovely vision of God for those who do. Just don't get bogged down in the hateful stuff (and yes, there is some of it in the Bible). Oh, and scroll to the bottom of the screen and click the thing that says "leave me a note" if you feel compelled to disagree or send me really, really angry letters.

But hey, while I'm up on my soap box, I might as well get into the other big religious news story of the day. That would be the piece in the last Newsweek about the further abuses at Guantanamo Bay and the fallout from it. While this report has not been confirmed, it would seem that Korans were kept in the washrooms (a percieved "unclean" enviroment) and that one was even flushed down the toilet. While that must have caused one helluva plumber's nightmare, that's not my concern. I'm more worried about the kind of God who authorizes this shit. Is there one? Because that's sure as hell not the one I believe in. I know, I know, I'm excessively liberal, but I don't see how different the God of Moses is from the God of Jesus from the God of Muhhamed. I think the only way they conflict is when you get caught up in fundamentalism- you know, the blindness that makes gay sex more evil than cotton-poly blends.

2005-05-15 - 10:32 a.m.

At least I have my cat.

If I was in grade school, this is the entry I would make right now:

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms."

If I was in Jr. High, it would be more like this:

"Why aren't I popular like everybody else?"

And in High School:

"Maybe I should kill myself."

Of course, I'm in college, so all I can say is:

"The lack of mutual, ethical respect exhibited by my fellow hominid lifeforms is astounding. I must research this."

So, why am I in such a foul mood? Well, Jason has gone from a bit mad to homicidal. His last e-mail made me fear for my personal safety. While I know that he probably won't kill me, it's disturbing to hear someone (and someone you love, no less) say that. He wants to kill R. more, anyway... so yeah, file that under W for "What the fuck?" I was really wanting to take him back, but now I remember the worst of him. Actually, I'm not even remembering- I can't because I've never heard him say anything like that before. He's really, seriously scary. He wants his stuff back and I'm willing to oblige, but I don't want to see him face to face because I worry that he might hurt me. I never thought I would be in a position with a man who I genuinely thought wanted to hurt me.

*sigh*

So to take my mind off that, I went and checked Myspace. I was denied a friend request because the girl said that she's heard I don't like Scarface and she can't be friends with girls who don't like Scarface (not the movie, the girl). It dawns on me that I shouldn't have bothered writing a college-level blog entry when so many of my peers are still emotionally stranded in Jr. High.

And while I'm wondering why I'm not popular like everybody else, De Sade posted a list of badass friends on his blog and I didn't make the cut. About 20 other people did, but not me. I guess I was never really his friend. In fact, I don't have a lot in the way of friends. I have my Sis because she can't escape me, and I have R., but he's about to flee into the night out of fear for his personal wellbeing (thanks, Jason). In the meantime, what facimilies of friendship I do have seem to have all disapeared. Everyone is gone for the summer and I'm left drinking wine by myeslf on a Saturday night. Oh- but I do have the cat back. Yeah, I guess we can say that my cat is my only friend. I do love her a bunch though. She's so sweet and soft and fuzzy-wuzzy! She's the best kitty ever!

Yeah, at least I have my cat.

2005-05-14 - 7:44 p.m.

Huh?

What? Me drinking a lovely merlot for the last couple hours? Nooooo!

Yeah, it had been ages since I made a post while drunk, so I felt compelled to remedy that.

Fuck... was I actually going to say something here? Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. I'm just glad I could afford GOOD wine for once...

Oh- I guess I should expound WHY I am inebriated right now. You see, I went to Austin today to pick up the cat. Jason was sad and it made me sad. Then I came home. Then I went to the grocery store across the street. They're remodeling/redesigning the place so all this old merchandise is on sale... including an exquisite bottle of wine. I bought it and started drinking my pain away, Speaking of which, what pain? Haha- okay, I remember why I quit posting blogs while drinking...

2005-05-13 - 11:10 a.m.

Out of the frying pan and into the slightly different frying pan right next to it

So I'm single now. Woo-hoo!

...and yet...
most nights there's still a dude who sleeps over, and he still needs rides because he has no car and sometimes he has to go to Mom's place in Austin where he kinda lives but not really. He plucks his accoustic guitar and asks questions that I don't know the answer to. I close my eyes and wonder what I was thinking- I can almost pretend it's Jason but at least Jason loved me.

But no, I can't think of R. as a lover- he's more a friend. No, he's more a pet. A replacement for the lovely-fuzzy kitty I've lost. I hope I see Claire again someday, but I guess this is kind of fair. I broke Jason's heart in so many ways and places that he deserves to at least keep the cat.

I do still miss him though.

Are you tired of me saying that yet?

Well then let's move on to the nitty-gritty of my life. The good news is that I finally get my first paycheck on Monday. The numbers have been crunched and it looks like I'm about to be 56 dollars richer.

And damn, I could use 56 dollars.

As for today, it's lucky Friday the 13th. At least, I hope it's lucky- today my grades for the semester will be published by noon. My fingers, legs, toes and arms are crossed right now, and if I didn't feel a bit far from God I would be down on my knees in prayer. Haha- actually, no, I wouldn't. I'm sure God has better things to worry about than my grades. I'd rather see him helping the starving kids in Africa than getting me an A.

So, what am I up to today? Well, I really need to clean the bathroom and recycle the recycling, and I also want to go take pictures of old cemetaries. Swimming at the river sounds like fun too, since it's so fucking hot out. Hm, welcome to summer in Texas. I also want to hang out with my sister, but I don't know when we could do that. Ah, so much to do, so little vacation to do it in. And hey, where am I going to shoe-horn in the requisite heavy drinking? Now that I think about it I've been hopelessly sober all week! What gives?

2005-05-11 - 3:18 p.m.

It must be summer

Okay, I have just transitioned from being kind of worried about Jason to being really worried about Jason. I haven't heard from him in days. I know I deserve it, but still... I can't help but worry. I hope it didn't upset him too much when the full import of my relationship with R. hit. Then again, how could he not be upset? In the week we've been apart I have aquired a "friend with benefits" and one quite anathama to Jason at that. I cannot repeat enough what a weird situation I find myself in.

But at least it's summer. All my friends have disappeared- no phones are answered and no away messages are posted on AIM. The sun has come out and everyone I hold dear has evaporated. I'm not upset though- I know that when the sun cools they will all return. One day I'll log on and everyone will be back and ready to drink and gossip and dance. In the meantime, I too have evaporated. I came home yesterday to find 9 messages on my machine. People look for me when I'm out waltzing around this too-hot Texas town, but never find me. I wonder what everyone's up to. I wonder if Poppy and Kristen are developing the way they should. I hope they're lovers by now, but I don't know. I hope Cutter's happy up in Kansas and I hope that wherever the hell Cody is he's getting drunk/laid. Oh, and wish the same for Cutter. Sorry I forgot to say that from the get-go. I also wish Casey a happier incarnation of his usual glamorized depression and I hope the wedding goes alright. Above all else I hope my dear, disappeared Jason isn't sad/mad. I hope all the people I care about are filled with the joy of a warm, aquarian summer day. I wish them all this from the distance of my blog because we will all probably continue to not find one another. I think I may be super-disappearing this weekend. Rose invited me to a party. On Sunday. In Dallas. I feel a need to escape this little town and do something random. I have half a tank of gas, which is enough to get up there. R wants to get away too so he's offered me money for the gas back. We don't know where we'll sleep or how we'll pay for food or anything, which is beautiful in theory. I'm living the life of a cliche college girl as well as the life of an artist and writer and weirdo.

This truly shall be a wonderful summer.

Though I do still miss Jason...

But at least I have me. At least I'm alive and young and beautiful and green haired. And yes, as soon as I shoot up the rest of this roll of film (which only has 6 pictures left) I'll post a picture of my hair. With any luck you'll think it as cool as I already do.

2005-05-10 - 5:45 p.m.

It's a lovely afternoon... now what?

All week I've been on super-charged auto-pilot. Now that finals are over I have all this pent up energy and I'm confused on how to spend it. I just got an invite to go see a movie with some people from the CSC but I'm not going to respond. I would love to go out but I have no money and far too much pride to borrow. I know that Cyrus (one of the people going) would have no problem paying for me. I just don't want to let him. I'm really feeling lousy lately about how I much I've been bumming off other people. If I'm going to have fun I feel I should do it with my own money.

Anyway, since I can't seem to get my brain out of study mode, I think I'm going to go read a dense Art History book for fun. Eventually I'll mellow out and let my brain rest, but until then, I suppose I'll keep buzzing about.

2005-05-10 - 1:41 p.m.

Love sux, but at least skool is out.

I was bummed earlier. I was missing Jason and obsessing over the final metals critique. I was really depressed about it all, actually. Then my mom called and made me feel all better. I mean, other than the part where she yelled at me for forgetting mother's day. That was embarrassing. But after that was out of the way we talked for a couple hours. She reminded me that life doesn't suck so bad. I really appreciate that.

But I do still feel like shit about last night. I really don't want to hurt Jason. I hate that. I do still care for him. I don't think anyone will ever love me the way he did. I can't belive I fucked that up, but it's waaaay too late fot that now. There is no turning back. For the first time in... I don't even know how long, I am truly alone. I have no boy in love with me. Jason will never forgive me. If you're wondering about R., let me assure you that he does not love me. We remain close friends, but I don't think he'll ever love me. Things could never work out like that anyway.

Dismal, no?

I'm also worried because I haven't heard from Jason since last night. No angry e-mails- nothing. That worries me. I can't believe he hasn't dropped a line, even if only to tell me that I'm a slut. I hope he's okay. I also hope the kitty's okay- we worked out a kind of joint custody so she's over at his place right now. I really miss having the cat here, but I feel bad about taking her. I also feel bad about going up to Austin. I don't want to face Jason. How odd is it when you don''t want to face a guy you gave your heart and soul to?

Stupid love.

On a happier note though, I AM FINALLY DONE! Finals are over! Summer vacation, suckas! Woo-hoo! It's three weeks till summer school begins. What will I do in that time, you ask? Well, I'm gonna draw pictures, read books, take pictures of old cemetaries and eat rainbow sherbet. That's not a comprehensive list, but it's a start.

2005-05-10 - 12:20 a.m.

I am in soooo much trouble.

Well fuck. Did I say Jason wasn't mad at me anymore? I just fixed that. And as for the not understanding love? Ooooh, baby- I'm doing worse than usual.

Curious yet?

So maybe Jason called me earlier, sweet and lovey, and I remembered how I miss him. Then maybe his cell phone cut out and as fate would have it the second I hung up the phone rang again. It was R needing a ride. I was willing to oblige. So I put down the reciever but the phone rang again. It was Jason still wanting too talk. I missed him but I had just told R. I would pick him up. Oh, and this the same R. who I believed was romantically linked with my sister for some time. Yeah, that fucking R. Anyway, I told Jason that I still loved him but I had to go pick up a friend. He got angry and jealous. So he called back a few hours later. Now lets say that maybe the phone was inexplicably unplugged for some reason. Now lets say it got plugged back in. This brings us up to the late night phone call from Jason to the tune of "Do you think I'm stupid."

I reply that I don't know what he's talking about and that I had been asleep. I really had been dozing off but I did know what he was talking about. The phone was unplugged for a reason and he knew it. I am a moron. I never intended for anything to "happen" and it should be noted that R. and I are by no means "dating"- we're "just friends." And all those quotation marks throw us into the darkest gray area the world has ever known. The lamest part is that I've lost the friendship of Jason through his jealousy and my friendship with R. is also in jepordy if things continue to proogress in this direction. I'll keep you posted, though. In the meantime, I need some damn sleep.

2005-05-09 - 8:51 a.m.

-

Well, the good news is that finals are almost over and that Jason isn't mad at me anymore. The bad news is that finals aren't over yet and I still don't understand love. The first problem will be fixed in two days, the second one may follow me into old age.

Doesn't that suck? I find myself really dumbfounded that all of humanity is constantly engaged in this dance that no one understands and no one is particularly good at. I suppose we all have a bit of a masochistic side- otherwise love would make no sense.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.