2005-03-17 - 8:28 p.m.

The invention of alcohol

About 4,000 years ago, in a small, agrarian community, 4 guys were sitting around talking.
The first one said "I'm mad at my superiors."
The second said "I'm horny."
The third simply said "I'm bored."
The fourth got an idea.
"Look, guys," he said, "you know all those jars of grain and fruit back at my place? Well they started to ferment and I was too lazy to throw them out. Now the stuff in them is all different- I don't know what to call it, but I think it has the potential to solve all of our problems!"
And that is what we celebrate every year on March 17th.

2005-03-17 - 1:26 p.m.

mariachi music on the phone

Last night I was on the phone with Jason, trying to sort things out, when all of a sudden Mariachi music cut in. I couldn't hear him. Then all of a sudden the music went away and he was back.
"Well that was weird." I said.
"Do you hear Mariachis?" He asked.
Yes, yes I did hear the mariachis. But we were trying to engage in some serious relationship talk, so we didn't dwell on it and continued with the conversation.
I said "I really love you but-" and then the happy accordians and accoustic guitars came back.
"I love you but what?" Jason would ask.
"But-" I would start to say, only to be cut off by mariachis again.
Of all the times for that to happen, and of all the things that can happen, I have to wonder- MARIACHIS!?!?! While I'm trying to salvage a faltering relationship?!?! What gives?
Of course then Jason became nervous that the phone line was tapped and that the interuptions were purposeful attempts to sabotage our relationship. The perpetrator in his mind was Joe. For a refresher course on who Joe is as well as a reminder of WHY Jason hates my ex, I recomend you click here. But other than that, there's no reason/no way for Joe to be tapping my phone for the sole purpose of playing maricahi music. What it all boils down to is faulty phone lines and the fact that in my life there is a rule: the most absurd thing that can happen at any given moment will happen.

2005-03-17 - 1:04 p.m.

-

Well, I guess life is pretty much back to normal. For those of you who are interested more than my side of the story, go to Jason's blog. Yeah, he's a nice guy and I really love him- we just have A LOT of personal baggage to sort out. And speaking of which, my dear old friend Rose is also going through a relationship "thing" right now. She just dumped her dude of 6 years. Talk about traumatic. Well, my heart goes out to you, girl.

2005-03-17 - 10:20 a.m.

sleep through my relationship problems

For those of you following the day-by-day, play-by-play of my relationship, I think Jason and I are back together. We acknowledge that we both still love one another, but we're both still upset.
This has all been very tiring. I get tired by emotional things. Last night I slept 11 hours and I just want to go back to sleep again. I'm a big fan of waking up when everything's okay. *sigh* I guess I'd have to sleep a LOOONNNGGG time for that to work, so I might as well have some more coffee and get on with my day.

2005-03-16 - 4:32 p.m.

I'm sad. I miss Jason.

I'm sad. I miss Jason.

2005-03-16 - 1:14 p.m.

love sucks, going to the library

I just got back on AIM to try to sort things out with Jason. Only he's not there. I really did mean it when I told him I would get back on as soon as I quit sobbing hysterically. Now I'm just lonely and bummed. I don't have a high enough level of focus to work on any of the myriad projects I need to finish over the break. I think I'm just going to drive to the library and hang out for a while- you know, read music magazines, make faces at blue-haired ladies... the usual.

2005-03-16 - 12:06 p.m.

love is suicide

It's cold and rainy today. That's good, because it's how I feel. I'm about to get back on AIM to try to talk to Jason. We've been fighting via internet all morning. I still love him. I love him so much. I don't get it. This weekend we had so much fun in Dallas. We seemed so in love. He was so kind to me. He's always been so kind to me. I think about how this is the man who once held me in his lap as he read Oscar Wilde stories aloud to me. Or how this is the man who used to send me postcards with my favorite paintings on the front and his favorite poems on the back. I think about how much he's stood by me through. I think about how much I've always loved him. And yet now he can't stand me because he thinks this is about race and class. He says he can't be with a woman when her rich, upper-class white friends are insistent upon mocking her poor, lower-class, Mexican boyfriend. I say that's not true but then he counters by saying he knows it is because he's been reading my e-mail for ages. I tell him that's weird and he tells me he only does it because he knows I'm hiding something. Yes, I am. I'm hiding my ability to forgive people who have wronged me or said mean things. I forgive Jason for this, I forgive Jon for not likeing Jason. That's just how I am. My faith tells me to do that. To turn the other cheek and if a soldier asks me to carry his gear for a mile I carry it the next mile. This doesn't make me a footstool. I know when to stand up for myself. I hate to advertise this, but I'm a Christian. I do things like forgive people who don't deserve it because hey, if Jesus can forgive me (and I know I don't deserve that) then I should pass the love along. Now I know I have a lot of non-Christian readers, but you can all vouch for the fact that I'm not an evangelizer. I don't push this on other people, and I don't expect anyone else to feel the way I do. In fact I'm often shocked that someone as *cough-ahem* me as myself would be a devout Catholic. I am- deal with it. The point here is that now, as Jason insists I not forgive people who have wronged me, this becomes not about race and class, as he says, but about faith and love. Jon is an asshole sometimes because I dumped him and that pisses him off. Thus, he acts out. All's fair in love and war, you know? But now Jason asks me not to forgive. And then he accuses me of being something of a rasict myself. How the fuck can that be? I call him to task on it and he denies everything. I just don't know what to do. I'm still so in love with this boy. His sweet, smiling pictures are all over my apartment. And yet he can't forgive me for forgiveing. What's worse is that this has gone too far now. We've been fighting so much and so loud these last few days that I don't think we can ever go back to being the happy couple we were just this weekend. Now we are unfixably fucked. I love him, he loves me, but I don't think this can be patched. I don't know what to do.

2005-03-15 - 12:42 p.m.

ABCs of Emma!

Since I'm occilating between bitter depression and seething rage (see previous entry for explanation) I suppose I need to distract myself. In that spirit, here's the OCD ABCs of me. I stole the idea from awittykitty but she stole it from someone else. Feel free to steal it from me and let the cycle continue! Anyway, here goes:

A- AGE: 21 and a half

B- BAND LISTENED TO MOST RECENTLY: Listening to the Flashback Lunch on 101X right now. The Cars are on. Before that they played "Come on Eileen." This is in no way a representation of my favorite music, but just indicative of my weird 80s fetish. This is extra weird because I'm so young- I guess the thing is that I remember thinking this music was really cool when I was 5, and when you're 5 everything is really cool. Thus, I'm trying to regain a bit of childish joy in this world where I'm mature and jaded enough to be aware that most of the stuff on the radio is crap.

C - CRUSH: Love is for losers. See previous entry for explanation.

D - DAD'S NAME: Steve

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Depends on the subject. I have friends to talk to about everything, but no one I can talk to about Jason. This pisses me off. Why don't I have more girlfriends to comisserate with?

F - FAVORITE BAND: Smashing Pumpkins. To the point that it's a creepy obsession.

G - GUMMY: I don't understand this question, but it was on the ABCs I borrowed from awittykitty. Well, my favorite candy is the kind that's gummy- like those gummy cola bottles? Those are great.

H - HOMETOWN: Podunk-Nowhere, Texas. It's real name is Wimberley, but it's just a little pocket of crazies out in the hills about an hour south of Austin.

I - INSTRUMENT: I spent 5 years tryng to play the guitar. Then I finally accepted my tone-deafness and the fact that I would never be a rock star. Now I just hang out with and write about musicians without being one myself.

J - JUICE: Any and all- I prefer my fruits in liquid form.

K - KIDS: I think it would be unethical to pass on the crazy genes. Also, that thing where Mom had me present at the births of the other 3 kids convinced me that childbirth is not worth it under any circumstance. Miriacle of life my ass.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Haha- there have been a LOT. When I was little we lived in Wyoming in the summer but always came back to Wimberley when the park closed in the winter (my parents worked in Yellowstone) so that was quite a commute. Then we drove to Canada one time. I've been to almost 40 states.

M - MOM'S NAME: Lona. It's short for Appolonia.

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3. I'm the oldest. If they turn out weird, it's because of my bad influence. Either that or because of that damn crazy gene.

O - ONE WISH: A PhD. I'm not asking much, just scholastic perfection.

P - PHOBIA(S): A highly abreviated list: failure, success, snakes, stepping on an infected syringe which will puncture my shoe and kill me on the spot, needles in general, the ocean, flying, the doctor, the dentist, childbirth, being rejected by my family, panic attacks. The ironic thing about the last one is that my fear of panic attacks sometimes gives me panic attacks.

Q - QUOTE: "For although we may not be alone in the universe, on this planet we are all alone." - that's from a rather introspective episode of The X-files.

R - REASON TO SMILE: I just got a note from bluemeany reminding me that men are pigs and I shouldn't feel bad about it. Hurrah! Oh, and I have pie. Pie makes everything okay.

S - SEXIEST FEATURE: I get complimented on my smile more than anything else. It's not like I have straight, white teeth or anything (I don't) I'm just really expressive, so when I smile it looks like my whole head is so happy it's going to explode.

T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: Depends on the night before, but I'm very much a morning person (you can resent me now). Anytime between 5 and 11 a.m.

U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I have a big mouth so I have very few secrets. The few secrets I do have are secret for a reason. As such I shall not divulge that information.

V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Death to green beans.

W - WORST HABIT(S): I've been sporadically trying to quit smoking for 5 years now. I keep succeeding- like I won't smoke for 6 months and then I'll get stressed out and light up again. I don't have a monkey on my back- that thing is a fucking gorilla.

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Dental only. You know, so the dentist could find new and exciting reasons to poke me with pointy things. On a related subject, the only time I've ever fainted was at my last dentist appointment. The moral: poking me with pointy things makes me pass out.

Y - YUCKY FOOD: Most forms of dead-animal based cuisine skeeve me out. I get occasional cravings for chicken and I still eat fish from time to time, but nothing makes me want to barf like the sight/smell of steak.

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo. You know, the sexy yet high-strung sign.

2005-03-15 - 10:39 a.m.

Jason dumped me

How do I begin- where do I begin- to deliniate how wrong the universe has become?
I suppose this is as good a place as any:

Dear Jason,
If you're going to spontaneously dump me for no reason, how 'bout you FUCKING WAIT TILL MORNING? No one likes recieving a phone call at 12:30 when she's almost asleep, telling her that she isn't loved anymore.

The plus side? I've slept off the initial profound sadness and now feel bitter and indignant. I'm not going to call him and try to figure out why or if he really meant it. If he wants me out of his life, then fine. Super fine. I'll let him wait- he's bound to come back.
And wait a second, how can he dump ME?!?!
I'm smart and funny and if I do say so myself, damn good looking. Does he realize how many times I've been asked out by other guys in the course of our relationship? I'm a hot ticket goddmn it!
Wait, maybe that's the problem-
Maybe I'm too much a hot ticket-
and maybe this is compounded by the way I had dinner with the ex last night. I mean, it wasn't a nice dinner- we were in IHOP late with three other people. But yeah, I think that's part of what pissed him off.
And he was pissed off.
It wasn't like he said "honey, I think we need some time off," no, it was like "Fuck you, go away."
Okay, FINE, I will.

The worst thing is that after that lovely exchange I fell asleep and had a sex dream about him. Why? I dunno, my subconcious just likes to get a rise out of me.
So I'm in a lousy mood right now.
And to make things even funnier, there was just a loud banging on the door. I thought "oh, fuck, it's Jason- I don't wanna deal with this right now."
But no- it was the UPS guy. One of my free Bibles came in. You know, because nerds get free Bibles. It's leather bound. The dead animal feels nice in my hands.
But I digress.
I'm still very fucking pissed off.
VERY.
And today I have to take this lousy mood and go to Wimberley. Brilliant Lesbian Aunt has taken some time off from her Deanship at Syracuse U to pay her philistine family a visit.
Super.
I think I need a really long, hot bath.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.