2005-02-08 - 11:27 a.m.

praying and lent

Maybe the more crazy people I'm around, the saner I get. Maybe I'm still too young to understand things. I am just 21. Some people get to be 80 and are still morons, so maybe there's hope.

Oh, and I'm praying. In general, but I lend an occasional thought to Casey and Denae. I love 'em both so much, but man.... their relationship is... I don't even have an adjective for how their relationship is. Bizzare? No, that makes it sound like they each have 3 arms. Horrible? No, that makes it sound like they never enjoy it. Complicated? That makes it sound like a math problem. Strained? Yeah, I think that's the best I can do without straying into nonsense paradoxes like "violently-tender" or made up words like "quidpoof." Only quidpoof sounds like it would be a noun- to be an adjective it would have to be quidpoofy, but no, that sounds too cute.

Oh, by the way. Still not getting on AIM, still not answering the phone, still avoiding all human contact. Except for Jason, of course. He's still conked out on the futon, snoring like an outboard motor. I find it impossibly cute, which is good because I'm sure that if I didn't it would really get on my nerves. No, I find it adorable when he snores and shifts in his sleep. He's just such an impossibly beautiful young man, and so full of light and love. I want to be with him forever.

Happy Fat Tuesday. I wonder if I should bother giving up anything for Lent. I already don't eat meat, so that's not anything I can do. I could give up smoking, drinking, or sex, but the idea of 40 days without any of the above kinda makes me nervous. All things considered, I think drinking would be the easiest to give up. I could do that while still maintaining my sanity. Those of you who know me know how I get when I quit smoking, and I've tried to do without sex in all its forms before, but I usually wind up masturbating after about a week. I just can't keep up with that one so I sorta feel like I shouldn't even try because I know I'll break it. If anyone has any advice for which vice I should put aside, feel free to step forward. For those of you who wonder why the hell I'm even acknowledging these old traditions and letting them get in the way of my hedonism, well, your opinion is welcome too. It's what the evil part of my brain loves to hear, but not what I feel is best in the long run. Evil though I may be, I have an urge to overcome how I am- to give myself some structure and to massage my piety. Whatever. I babble. I'm sure you don't care about any of this, whoever you are.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.