2005-02-08 - 8:50 a.m.

really depressed, not in class, getting fat

What am I doing here? I'm on campus... I got out of bed, got dressed... fuck, I even exerted the effort to put on lipstick. But I'm not in class. I'm in the library. I've already missed the first hour (it's three hours long) and I was already behind, even without missing another day. I just don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere- I'm sorry, but I'm really a fucking mess right now. I wouldn't worry about me unduly- just know that I'm a walking train-wreck today. I still haven't gotten my period. I feel constantly queasy and have this pain in my left side. I just want to go back to sleep- I wanna colapse. I don't know what's wrong with me.

No, scratch that, I do, I just wish it wasn't happening again. How am I going to function in Grad School when I can hardly handle things here at this place? I am fucked for life. Hoplessly and utterly fucked. I love knowledge, I love learning, I love life, and yet I have the strength for none of the above right now. No, no- I'm not gonna hurt myself. I know that's what everyone worries when I talk like that. I'm just being a melodramatic fucker today but I have full awareness that things will get better and I don't want to do anything that would hurt people I love. I love my friends, family, and expecially Jason. I have no idea why I left the cozy bed with him in it this morning. I should have just snuggled back under the covers, snuggled closer to him, and spent the day like that.

But no, I'm here and it's a little late for that now. I MUST go to my other class today- Contemporary Art History (I find it funny that the course name features simultaneously the words "contemporary" and "history." It's like a history of what happened 5 minutes ago, so it's not very historical, but whatever- that's a babble for another day). I have Housefield for that and he's strict about attendance. I wouldn't miss anything if I missed, but I would get docked a point on my grade. Lame. It's even lamer that the class I'm skipping right now- though attendance will (probably) not make or break me- I scincerely need to be in so I don't fall behinder... which isn't a real word. I know the teacher doesn't like my work and I wish I could drop but I'm not going to. I'll pull myself together- I know I will. I'll be able to do okay.... I dunno. I just feel like shit. I feel like crawling into a hole in a rock somewhere. I wanna be a hermit- live in a tree and never see anybody but God.

But no- then I wouldn't see Jason. That would be bad. I miss him when we're apart for so much as 10 minutes. I miss him when we're in the same bed but he falls asleep before me. I miss him at the drop of a hat but more frequent than that. I know, I know, I sound clingy and obsessive, but since he reciprocates the feeling I don't think it's so unhealthy. We're just really, REALLY in love.

Yeah, I miss him again right now. I miss him and I wish there had been more to eat in the apartment. I'm hungry again but still queasy. I would really, really be in a panic, thinking I was pregnant, if only the logic wasn't so clear. While Jason "have sex" often, we haven't had sex in the most literal sense since before I got my last period. I'll admit, I don't know too much about biology, but I know that an unfertilized egg does not make a baby... and yet I'm still a little nervous. Like "did we have sex and I forget about it?" But no- I know we didn't, and yet I'm still worried. I'm just so high strung lately. I've been smoking like a fiend and it's not even making me feel that much better. I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. A big, stupid, maroon TxTram-Bobcat-Stadium-route bus.

God, I hate the bus system here. At least I was able to catch one in a relatively timely fashion this morning, but there are some days that see me standing in the cold for 30 minutes, and of course those are days when I actually intend to go to class. When the weather is nicer I walk, but I haven't felt up to it lately. It's been cold and rainy and I've felt lousy and all this conspires to keep me from walking. Of course, when I don't walk I know that the number of calories I'm consuming is far disproportionate to the number I'm burning and as such I will be a lard-ass in no time. I see it happening already. I am getting fucking huge. My body is lumpy and fleshy and awkward. I'm like that horrible mound of flesh that develops at the end of Akira... that is, if I remember correctly. I haven't seen that movie since high school, but I think I recall, and yeah, that's how I feel. I am disgusted by myself. I am ugly beyond my wildest dreams. God... I feel like shit.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.