2005-01-13 - 10:55 p.m.

sticky-outy-thingys

Ever see a complete stranger on the street and wonder what his love life is like? I'm not even talking about someone you're attracted to- just a random person. Like "I wonder if that balding 20-somthing three rows in front of me gets laid a lot." Or "I bet the bank teller with the big hair and press on nails is into S&M." Try it- thinking about the sex lives of others has many functions, from killing time in line to making you feel less pathetic. It also makes authority figures harder to take seriously and grosses you out in that fun way like looking at your own boogers after you blow your nose. Like "eeewww, gross! I gotta see that again but I don't want to but I do! eeewww!" My one warning about this amusing hobby? Do not, I repeat DO NOT try it with friends. First, you probably already know all their dirty laundry and don't need/want to be reminded. What's worse, though, is that it may remind you that they have genitalia. Few things are quite so weird as being in a conversation with a platonic male friend and then suddenly thinking "he has a penis!" While you know that it must be true (something would be very wrong if it wasn't) it's oddly disturbing. You start thinking 'big or little?' 'circumcised or not?' which is especially awkward if you're having an intellectual conversation. Right in the middle of saying "The fifth book of the Aneid owes a great debt to the scenes from the Odyssey in which-" you blurt out "and would you say you're more a bratwurst or a pig-in-a-blanket?" Then the guy thinks you're either crazy or coming on to him or both, but of course you're not doing either- you're just stuck on the strange, strange thought that he has one of those sticky-outy-thingys.

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