2005-01-03 - 10:50 a.m.

I hate joe

I hate Joe.

Now, unless you went to high school with me, you're probably asking "who's Joe?" or more likely wracking your brain to figure out WHICH Joe, since we all know two or three.

Well, this Joe's complicated, and you're going to need a bit of a backstory. If I could draw a chart to show how everyone's related, I would, but I can't, so just follow allong. First we need to hop in our imaginary time machine and visit 7th-grade-Emma. Her bestest bestest friend in the whole wide world is AMY (names of players are in bold for easy tracing) and she has a crush on JAY. JAY is the older brother of JOE. JOE is a little kid and an attention whore. Now fast forward to 11th grade. JOE has a thing for EMMA, and is best friends with JON. JAY is developing a drinking problem (as is Emma, but that's forgiven). JAY spurns EMMA, JON starts dating EMMA, JOE starts dating AMY. After graduation, JOE and AMY break up about a billion times, JAY punches AMY in the face, thus proving himself to be the jerk he always was, and after a couple of years EMMA and JON break up. Then EMMA and AMY move in together. JOE is over every day. He's always drunk, always obnoious. EMMA is now dating JASON, who hates JOE. JOE BRINGS over JON, and with JASON there, awkwardness insues. Then EMMA and AMY have a massive falling out. AMY'S MOM disses JASON, saying that he's a bad seed and JOE (the one with the fake I.D. and anger-management problem) is not. If only all boys were more like JOE, she remarks as she tells JASON that she never wants to see him in HER DAUGHTER'S HOUSE (hellooo, my name was on the lease too!) ever again. Bad mojo. Anyway, EMMA moves to a different appartment, and because GOD likes to fuck with us, JOE unknowingly moves into the same building. (at least he's on the first floor and I'm on the third- but I still see him when I take out the trash.) Now EMMA and JOE already have about a dozen reasons not to like one another and an elaborate downward spiral built up around the connection of the two brothers and two former best friends. By the by, a couple of years ago I ran into JAY at a party and he asked me if I'd go to the bedroom with him *cough-ahem* yeah, after my years of bitterness his drunken ass didn't have a chance. He has now dropped out of school and still drinks heavily. I have dreams where I punch him in the face. Oh, and speaking of which, I have punched JOE in the face on two or three occasions (I forget) and am unrepentant. He deserved every one. Now we're up to the present. I couldn't sleep last night, largely because JOE was throwing a party which involved lots of obnoious hollering in the parking lot. "Maybe one of my neighbors will call the cops" I thought whistfully. Of course, this apartment complex is apparently not into that, judging from the way no one has ever called about the continual domestic disturbance between that couple on the second floor.Anyway, JON was at the party and thought he would stop by. He knocked on my door with the previously unmentioned PATRICK in tow. His head was freshly shaved from the manhood ceremony and he was wearing a leather jacket and smoking a cigarette. "since when do YOU smoke?" I asked, bitterly remembering how he was against me doing the same. His response was "I'm a badass now." To that i raised one eyebrow- looking incredulous is one of my finest skills. He asked if JASON was here and said something about ass-kicking. What is it with boys and beating one another up over a woman? I sighed and shook my head. JON flaunted his head a bit more, PATRICK gave me a hug, and they disappeared back into the night.

So, you're asking- why do you hate JOE? Well, in this world of conflicted emmotions and tangled lives, JOE is easy- JOE is consistent. Always drunk, always obnoxious, JOE is the one thing I'm really sure of. I know I hate JOE. I was born to hate JOE- like sharks were born to eat fish. He is all that is completely anathama to me, and in this chaotic world, it's nice to have a stable arch-enemy to turn to.

The last thing I wrote before this thing. The next thing I wrote after this.